Currently, my depressive symptoms seem to be slowly improving, but they say that amateur judgment is the scariest thing of all. I am still closely watching myself to be on my guard.

Two things scare the heck out of me when I am depressed.

"Email and Chat"

I'm already scared to death. These are the 'two major knives' of life.

How scary is scary enough to make me think, 'I'd instead be stabbed with a real knife.

Because they will think, 'If I get stabbed, I can escape by being hospitalized.

This is about remote work, but if I have to come to work, I think it can become 'as scary as climbing the stairs on the death row.'

(Incidentally, there seem to be no stairs in Japanese prisons.)

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'I'm depressed and not getting as much done at work as I would like.'

'Naturally, they will inquire about our progress.'

I have to report a delay in my progress, but I can't logically explain why."

I'm scared to death."

This is the above flow.

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Nevertheless, it is also true that work nowadays is impossible without email and chat.

So when you ask me things by email and chat, I would appreciate it if you could ask me mechanically, without reprimanding me or anything, in a short message if possible.

No, not really.

It is also true that such inorganic emails and chats, on the contrary, make me feel as if I am blamed, which is "painful" ("agony") in its way.

Hmmm, what on earth should I do?

I don't know.

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I am only beginning to understand these things when I have depressive symptoms myself -- this means my life's depths are exposed.

I used to think and profess to believe that depression could be improved by exercise, a better diet, leisure activities, and saunas.

I want to get in a time machine and kill my past self, half to death.